Monday, May 9, 2011
Thoughts on Mothers
Yesterday we took turns going to church since LN was very ill. We had been in urgent care the day before because she had such a high fever. Today her fever has broken and she is doing much better, thankfully.
The boys all treated me really well and despite our exhaustion, I had a great Mother's Day. Dallas made me the neatest card too that made me really happy. He spent a long time on it and put in coupons for the things I love like a good hair brushing!
At church, I watched the children sing to their mothers and my boys sang so well and were really cute! Evan didn't want to go up so I told him that I could hear his heart singing and that was okay. Since Pat was home with LN it was just me and the boys and we all sat cuddled close together on our bench with D and E leaning on me and holding Sam's hand. I sure love my kids.
But the best thing that I thought was really moving was seeing the moms up next to the children singing. The primary sang a two part song where the children sing and then the mothers and then together... When the mothers started to sing they just looked so beautiful to me! My friends, Julie, Andrea, Leslie, Stacey and Sarah looked so beautiful to me! How lucky are the children of mothers like these! Oh if I could only be in their club! The club of women who forgo worldly things and know who they are! The club of women who know God's eternal plan and their role in that plan. The club of women who love their children and teach them right from wrong. I realized in the same moment that I AM one of those mothers, or at least I am trying to be. The important role of mothers hit me so forcefully as I watched my friends sing next to the children, that of course I was crying, and I just thought how happy I was to be who I am...
I am certainly not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I try to only write good things on the blog, because why dwell on the bad? Does anyone need to know how often I have a big childish fit! I am trying to learn patience and to overcome my faults... but I am thankful for God's plan that shows me the way to be happy. I am thankful that He gives each of us weaknesses and yet He calls us to obey... And so He teaches, that we must call on Him for strength... (Cumorah's Hill).
I sometimes feel trapped as a mother, like every second of my life is given to others and I start to go crazy if I don't get time for me to have a girls night, or just a date. I wish I could hit pause everyday and have time to exercise and study my scriptures without interruption, but that doesn't happen, so I read my scriptures in the bathroom usually with Evan telling me about why I should let him have a bandaid...
And this weekend I was showering when Sam came in and pressed his book report up against the glass where I could see it and asked me to proofread it... and I did.
I used to think of others and visit other people all the time and now with four kids in tow and homeschool to get done everyday, that hardly happens, so I feel like I'm not connected and not serving enough, and Pat has to remind me how much I do... but a lot of times I miss my old life and friends...
And someday when I have lots of time to have friends and do what I want, I'll probably wish for these times again! It passes so quickly...
A quote I like from two people I've never heard of Marguerite Kelly & Ella Parsons:"Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality- especially while you struggle to keep your own."
I look at my once beautiful hands and they are starting to get worn with age and doing so much with them. Do you ever feel like there is no end to the dishes and laundry? And obviously this body I have has been changed so much that I feel really uncomfortable in it... I don't like dancing anymore or singing in front of people anymore because I feel too big and run down looking. I'm not sure what to do about that.
... but at the same time, I am so thankful for my body. I love it. It has given me so much and seen me through so much and I'm sure it will continue to do so! (As long as I do my best to take care of it.) And my hands? They just tell the story of a life of work, and that is a good thing! I'd much rather go to God having worked hard, rather than investing my time in things that have no meaning or constantly seeking after the next age defying beauty secret. My hands tell the story of lots of dishes, cooking, cleaning and caring, and I'm okay with that.
All you experienced mothers I wish I could just know what you know already. I'm sure it would save me a lot of worrying, heartache and so forth. But here I am, thankful for who I am, and trying my best with the changes that life brings! I found this poem in my stuff and I don't know who it is by, but I liked it:
She came tonight as I sat alone
The girl that I used to be...
And she gazed at me with her earnest eye
And questioned reproachfully;
"Have you forgotten the many plans
And hopes that I had for you?
The great career, the splendid fame
All the wonderful things to do?
Where is the mansion of stately height
With all of it's gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you
And the jewels for your hair?"
And as she spoke, I was very sad
For I wanted her pleased with me...
This slender girl from my past
The girl that I used to be.
So gently arising, I took her hand,
And guided her up the stairs
Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay
Innocent, sweet, and fair.
And I told her that these are my only gems,
And precious they are to me;
That silken robe is my motherhood
Of costly simplicity.
And my mansion of stately height is love
And the only career I know;
Is serving each day in these sheltering walls
For the dear ones who come and go.
And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,
She smiled through her tears at me;
And I saw that the woman that I am now
Pleased the girl that I used to be...
For another take on motherhood, click on my sisters awesome post.