Sunday, March 25, 2012

Mysteries

Sometimes I wish I could know the things that God knows.
Today at church a lady came to me and said she had a dream that I had another daughter.
She quietly whispered it in my ear and didn't stay long before she was gone.
She is a very nice lady.
In fact she told me years ago that I would have two daughters and that was before I was pregnant with Leia.  I felt a light or energy as she said this, confirming it.
Pat tells me she isn't entitled to inspiration about me, so not to think about it much, as dear a lady she is to us.
So I don't. But it's kind of hard to wipe something like that out of your mind. 
But years have gone by, and she just said it again today?
The truth is, Pat and I would both like more, but we're okay with being done.
But I have health issues that make us think 'no more'.
And I've been feeling that same feeling from my heavenly Father- 'no more'.
But sometimes I feel sad that it would end already.  Especially after Leia's terrible birth.  Her pregnancy was great.  In fact it was the best out of all of them, but I was soooo sick for about 2 months before she was born and two months afterward.  It was the dead of winter and I cannot even express how MISERABLE it was.  Between the kicking and the violent coughing for months, no wonder my ribs are loose.  I wish it didn't have to end on that horrible note.  I think back to the time surrounding her delivery and it was a nightmare.
My blessing says my mind and body will serve me well, and my health issues aren't terrible, it's just that I've lost so many pregnancies that it takes a toll on a body, as does regular pregnancy, and Pat doesn't want to keep putting me through it. 
And the last thing I want to do is force a baby when God is against it.  I'm sure he has good reasons like, hey Karisa, if you have another one you'll leave your children without a mother.  I would never do it unless He was okay with it.
My doctor also said I probably have a blood clotting issue and that from the moment I got pregnant I'd have to take shots twice daily in my stomach to try to keep it.  Yikes!
Adoption here I come!
So what I want to say is, Heavenly Father, I'm getting old.  I am getting tired-er.  I don't want to have to change diapers forever and have kids in my sixties still at home.  Sometimes I just want to do other things.  So can we figure this out?
I love my children so much, and I am so grateful for the ones you gave me both living and dead.  I am perfectly happy to keep it just like this.
But then sometimes ladies at church say things...

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