Sunday, September 2, 2012

Life is all about Plan B

14 week baby
I haven't told you, dear blog, that I am pregnant yet.  See I had to go through all the right channels first.  Telling family.  Telling friends.  Telling Facebook friends.  And now telling you.  You who matters least because you're my journal, and I already knew the secret.  Surprise Karisa!  You're pregnant!

I could not begin to tell you the roller coaster of feelings I have about this pregnancy.  I was told if I got pregnant again, I would need to do shots in my stomach twice daily, because of a blood clotting issue, which is why they think I've had so many miscarriages, the one in particular before Leia who was about 17 weeks.  Pat did not want me to get pregnant again because he thinks it's too hard on my body and doesn't want me to go through that again.  I wasn't so worried about that- my last successful pregnancy with Leia was great!  It's only the nursing- those first 6 months that are awful.  (Well not like delivery is fun, but... you know.)  So, short story long, we weren't looking to have any more kids. (But a part of me still wanted to have one more.)

Fast forward, and, I'm 14 weeks pregnant today.  So I'm very excited and very scared.  Scared because I'm not sure God wanted me to.  That's a feeling I got.  I kept trying to find out why in my prayers.(Would the pregnancy not go well?  Would I not recover?  Or did he just want me for some other purpose?)

That was months ago, and I never found out why and now I'm worried that I forced it, like Joseph and the lost 116 pages.  Except that I in no way forced it.  Like I said, I hadn't decided AGAINST having another baby completely like Pat, but my husband was taking care of making sure I didn't get pregnant and I left it at that.  After finding out, Pat said, and I quote, "I have no idea how this happened."  Ha.  But seriously, he's the one that pays attention to all that stuff.  In fact I pay so little attention to my cycle, that he had to tell me that I was late and to go buy a pregnancy test.  (Which is an exciting thing to hear! And Pat is, of course, very happy despite everything.)

We had been pursuing adoption alternatives since I didn't feel like our family was complete yet.  (However, adoption is turning out to require so much training, time, money and intrusions into our family life, that it's impossible for us right now.)  So I prayed and prayed about what to do.

I could not fathom getting rid of all my baby clothes and maternity clothes yet.  They still need to be used one more time!  That may seem silly, but it's how I felt.  Perhaps God was just saying, not yet? all those months ago when I prayed?  All I can do now is hope for the best.

And, like has happened before, when I went in for the tests, they came back negative.  So it's like sometimes my body tests positive for the blood clotting thing, and sometimes negative.  So I don't have shots!   In the end the doctor just said to take a baby aspirin like I did with Leia.  I hope that's right.  I am scared about being able to take another loss. I mean if you had been through the sucky summer I have, you would hope it was all for something.  I have felt so awful for three months.  Plenty of gagging and throwing up every time I have to brush my teeth or change a diaper, and general icky-ness and tiredness throughout each day.  I don't know how I made it through swim lessons.

I hope I don't seem like a downer, writing all this.  I am super happy, and very blessed, but just careful to guard my feelings, because I am terrified to lose the baby again.  I have nightmares of all sorts.   Sometimes I can't sleep at all because I remember how much work a new baby is and wonder how I'll get through it again, which is silly, because we're good parents and have older kids now who love to help.  But my mind seems to be going overtime so much that I've taken to falling asleep to the t.v. each night.  I say my prayers and read my scriptures, and then fall asleep to the t.v. so to shut out my thoughts.  Pat has given me a blessing and I do feel like things will be okay.  It's probably just my overactive hormones that are making me have all these thoughts.

(On a side note, I am SO HAPPY  that my kids will be able to come to the hospital and see me this time.  When I had Leia, there was that stupid H1N1 thing, and I was mostly alone, and they were not allowed to come and I was so profoundly sad.  My family means everything to me and I love being with them.)

New topic:
This is the first time I've started school still not ready.  So we do what we can each day while I slowly get the remaining things planned and figured out.  I feel really bad for being low on patience and not starting the year all prepared and excited, but I'm doing the best I can, and we're almost there.  I started school the same day I started my new calling and it's been quite a juggling act.  Thankfully I've been given a priesthood blessing both for the start of the new school year, and for my calling, full of direction and love that really helps.
I think I've said before that I started early because I realized that since I'm due the first week of March, that is going to seriously interrupt the last three months of school.  Which is fine- it can be made up.  No permanent damage.  But still I thought it best to start early. Our math teacher (who shall remain nameless) got the kids a year behind in math, so I've had to take that over, and we've got two years of math to do this year!  Also our exercise teacher quit.  Running a school is rough, I tell ya!  Especially when the staff exits!

Boy's reading lists 2012/2013
Any prayers you can add to ours for all these things to work out are sure appreciated.  Today is Sunday, and we're all home from church because several kids are throwing up. We just like to keep things fun!


Cecilotta said...

Your post has alerted me to the fact that we're not friends on FB!

Anyhow, we're happy for you and we'll definitely be praying for you.

Karisa said...

Thanks so very much!

Christy said...

Like Cecilotta i am realizing we must not be friends on FB because I had no idea. Congratulations!

And, I know exactly what you mean, but if you had too, you could do the shots. When I got pregnant and found out I had gestational diabetes I was so sad and scared and worried. But taking the shots every day (I have to do it 3 times a day) and testing my blood 4 times a day, isn't as devistating as I thought. It is amazing what you will do for your children, even those you haven't met yet!

It sounds to me like the Lord was saying 'not yet' and now it is time. I know that he wouldn't punish you with a pregnancy and child or anything else because of your desire to have a baby. Yes, those 116 pages wer lost, but Martin Harris was still allowed to be a member of the church, after repentance and was even granted the chance to be a witness. You are an amazing Mom and you can do this.

I understand your fears. I am writing this to you at 4:30am. My baby is due in 2 weeks and I am still working on being excited and ready for #6. Like you said, I know I can do it and have older kids to help, but it is going to be a lot of work and.....I don't know it is just a little scary.

Call, e-mail or anything, if you need anything or just need someone to vent too that won't judge you as a person or parent! I love ya!

Amy said...

Congratulations Karisa! How exciting for you and your family! Hope all goes well for you guys. Love the Renteria's