Sunday, January 4, 2015


Yesterday we did some extensive cleaning and organizing of the house because Pat invited some of his coworkers over for dinner.  I picked up this picture to dust it, and Sam and Evan started talking about it.  They had always thought that it was Sam apparently.  I told them, no, that this was their sister Lauralei, our first baby.  Then I looked at her and my heart broke all over again.  I cried because I never got to meet her living even though she was full term.  I cried because I know exactly when she died during labor, when her little heart was slowing, and how painful dying must have been for her.  I wish she didn't have to hurt.  I would have done anything to prevent her from feeling that desperate pain.  

She was perfect.  She had much wrong with her (Edwards syndrome), but from the outside, she looked perfect.  I still remember sitting alone in our quiet apartment just feeling her hiccup inside me.  I never felt much other movement since she wasn't very strong, but she always hiccuped.  I know that I'll be with her again, because Heavenly Father told me so.  But I miss her.  That was a very dark and hard time.  This is the best photo I have of her and one of the only ones.

Thirteen years ago she was born on December 19th about a month before our 1st anniversary.  Pat and I have now been married 14 years this January.

I've now been through more medical procedures than I never knew existed back when we were dating and took this happy photo.  And more heartache.  Ignorance is bliss.  Seven of my twelve pregnancies have been lost.  Some in very scary circumstances as happened last month. 

But I have been richly blessed with my five living children and love them so much and believe that children are "an heritage of the Lord". Like watching a tiny plant push up out of the earth, life begins to grow, and it is such a miracle! I get to be the one that takes them through the veil into this life.  President Monson, our prophet said "Mother, who willingly made that personal journey into the valley of the shadow of death to take us by the hand and introduce us to birth- even mortal life- deserves our undying gratitude."

I just feel blessed to be able to be a mom.  There is no more challenging or better job out there.

Today, one of the kids was talking about something in the house that was beautiful, and Evan replied, "The only thing beautiful in this house is Mom!"   In awe I started singing, "Be still my soul...", in an angelic voice and we both laughed and laughed.


Christy said...

Karisa, I am so sorry for your loss. I remember when you went through that and my heart broke for you then, as it does know. Knowing we will see them again doesn't stop the hurt but hopefully eases it a bit. You are an amazing person and an AWESOME mom and you are as beautiful as your children think you are. :)

I am so sorry for your recent loss, if I read it right, and I hope that you are doing okay and that your little family is good.

Sending you my love.

Karisa said...

Thanks Christy. Makes me happy when people remember.

Sarah said...

That was just beautiful, Karisa. Thank you for sharing it.

Emily said...

This is just the most beautiful post, Karisa! I am so sorry for the loss of your little one. My mom had a baby who was strangled by his umbilical cord during birth. She, too, felt the struggle as his life ended, and it was very, very hard. Know that you are not alone and that because you are willing to share your story, you help others feel less alone. What amazes me the most is that with so much loss, which I am sure has been excruciating, that you have had the courage, the vision, and the faith to face heartbreak and physical challenge again and again to bring your beautiful children into this world. You are a warrior...literally fighting to bring them here. Your children are are the most beautiful thing in that house, because you are the source from which all of the rest of the things in that house came. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful words about moms being the ones to bring children through the veil and introduce them to this earth. I think my heart skipped a beat when I read that. It's really powerful and really made me think. You can't really know how much I needed that in my life right now, but thanks for being the angel who delivered that message to me. You are a wonderful person, Karisa. Thank you for your honest, wise, heart-felt posts. Much love to you!

Karisa said...

Thanks my wonderful friends. I don't know how to say that as powerfully as I feel it. Thank you.