Saturday, October 1, 2016

solo hay momentos malos, y todo pasa

Storm rolling in at the soccer field
One of my favorite salsa songs has the words from the title of this blog post, which mean, "there's only bad moments, and everything passes".  The song is about how though life has ups and downs, you don't have to cry; life is a Carnival (the name of the song) and everything is wonderful, and it's more beautiful to live singing.  There's just sometimes bad moments, but they all pass.  I love the part in the song where they sing 'for those who always complain: Bwah!  for those who only criticize: Bwah!, for those who make war, treat others badly, live sinning, etc: Bwah!  Life is for laughing and enjoying.

Anyway, it made me smile hearing that song today.  For over a week, I had a sliver of glass in my foot that I could not get out and it was really painful.  Pat also went out of town for most of that same week to recruit graduates from BYU and University of Utah, for jobs here.  That meant that I was handling a lot of stuff alone; evenings of soccer practice, two separate scouting activities, music lessons, orthodontist appt, doctor appts, parent teacher conferences, all the food and housecleaning, getting kids to and from school, homework help, etc.  And, at the same time as all of this, I had yet another miscarriage (at 7 weeks)!  Needless to say, it was a REEAALLY depressing week.

The numbers for this pregnancy had been low from the beginning, and I had been spotting for many days, so there wasn't much hope.  But the numbers were going up so I was scheduled for an ultrasound.  They were concerned I was having an ectopic pregnancy.  On the way down to the doctor, I began having significant pain.  I picked up Pat at work, and had him drive just in case.  By the time I got into the ultrasound the pain had subsided, and miraculously, my doctor was surprised to see what looked like a little heartbeat(!).  We had been fasting and praying for a miracle in that ultrasound, and we had one!

But then, within 1/2 hour after that ultrasound I started bleeding more heavily.  I don't know what God meant by that.  It's almost like he let that little baby say, "I really was here", right before it had to say, "Good-bye".

I don't even tell people about my pregnancies anymore, because it's such an emotional roller coaster, and I feel bad dragging everyone else into it.  That's the 7th miscarriage since I've had since Charles- getting close to 4 years ago now.  Now, we're done.  Never been so sure in my life.  Though I guess there's a tiny chance... 

(from the movie Cheaper by the Dozen)

After that,

Tom got a vasectomy.

But he didn't hear the doctor say that it would be a few weeks... before the procedure became effective.

In some ways our prayers were answered.  We prayed to have a new baby most earnestly, or if there had to be a miscarriage that it could be a normal one at home.  The last four have been really difficult.  D&C surgeries with the last two, a miscarriage at Girl's Camp, and previous to that a trip to the ER because I passed out from blood loss.  You can see why I was so thankful to have a quiet miscarriage at home.

And honestly, I'm kind of excited.  I had a lot of experiences, spiritual experiences, showing me that we were supposed to have another baby.  And it was to be, "Now".  But for some reason that hasn't worked out, so I can turn my attention to other things.  I have tried my absolute best in the last years, and God knows it, and I just can't do it anymore.  Seven miscarriages in a row is enough.  The doctors here are no help in investigating the why of all these losses, and I believe these losses would just continue if we kept trying.  Pat's Uncle Jimmy said it took a lot to finally get to see a specialist that helped him and his wife to keep a pregnancy (in fact they have twins now!)  Sadly, those doctors don't seem to exist here and would take so much time and money anyway that I can't see doing it at my age.  So now I can look forward to new things in the future; both a sad and happy thought!  I know that God knows how much I tried, and what I have been through, and I am satisfied.  I love Him so much. 

So the miscarriage is over, I finally got the glass out of my foot (one hour before my appt to have a doctor dig it out), and Pat is finally home! I feel so happy.  Fun soccer games today and conference weekend!

Like the song says, in life hay momentos malos, but todo pasa.

* President Russel M. Nelson's talk this (Sunday morning) conference fit perfectly with the feelings I had writing this post.  And President Eyrings :)

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